2 years later

A WHOLE lot can happen in 2 years.

In the last 2 years.....July 5, 2011 to July 5, 2013, our lives have changed so much.
Ben has grown up from a little 8 month old who just started crawling into an amazingly smart, playful, joyful and happy 2 1/2 yr old.
Abby was born and is is now a beautiful, fast walking, babbling, and giggling 15 mth old
Mom has entered a new phase in her life and is just doing wonderful.
Allen is now married to Meg and living in the city in Chicago.
Marc and I are now happily married for 5 years and blessed to live each day as the parents of Ben and Abby.
We are literally surrounded by amazing neighbors in a fantastic neighborhood.

So much is new.

These last 2 years have been so blessed.  But the main missing feature is my Dad.  I feel like it was yesterday that I drove up to their house and just knew instantly that he was gone.  The visitors, the funeral, the graveside service....it just seems like yesterday.  Yet, so much has happened.

I haven't gone back to the grave site in well over a year.  It is something I was just not able to do.  But, today, the 2 year anniversary, I did.  I wanted to take him something.....but what?  Then it hit me.....take him something that is his......that he did.  I cut 3 roses from his beautiful yard.  As I left Mom's from a day of playing with the kids, I made my way to where his name is placed.  The kids fell asleep, the rain began to fall, and I drove to the top of the hill.  I walked over .... no tears.  Then, the second I saw his name, the tears fell.  It was like a ton of bricks.....his name.....his marker.  I cried as I laid the roses next to his name.  I went from sad to mad in a matter of seconds.  The whys.....the dreaded whys began.  Then, the mad left, and the sad returned.  I know he isn't there.....I know this is just the "shell".....but my heart ached.  I began clearing the weeds from around the marker.  I tore them away and tried to make it perfect.

I walked back to the car and saw my 2 babies sleeping.  Unaware that their mommy was crying.  They peacefully slept in the quiet and comfort of their seats.  Ironic.  I'm sure my Dad drove 1 million miles with me sleeping in the back of the van.

I drove home.  I thought about so many things.....so many things I feel he has missed.  But maybe he hasn't missed anything.  Maybe, just maybe, he has seen it all.  Maybe he saw Ben and Abby napping as I placed the roses on his marker.  Maybe he smiled, as he saw that the roses weren't from the store...but from his very own yard.  Maybe.

I know to love someone as much as I loved him, to miss him this much is expected.  So, if missing him means I loved him.....then I miss him more than words can describe.