As I have written before, this blog began as a way to document the adventures of our Ben in this world. What it has become is a place where my thoughts and feelings can be put into words. One giant part of this blog has been Ben and his G. My Dad. Brenda's husband. Marc's father-in-law. Allen's Dad. And so many other's family and friend.
As I write this tonight, I am sitting on the couch that I have sat on while being with my Dad. I am right next to Ben's highchair that is pulled up right next to me. He is innocently playing with his toys after his dinner. Yet, the room is different now. The hospital bed and equipment are gone. The chairs have been rearranged. And the most painful difference between now and before today, is that my Dad isn't in the room with me.
This morning at 8:15 while I was on my way here (like I have done for the past 6 weeks), Dad was called Home. He left with all the grace and dignity that he has always carried. He was at one moment here and the next moment walking into Heaven. And what a celebration that must have been. He was completely healed. He was perfect. He was Home.
I wanted so much to be there with him at that moment. But I know that the Plan was written another way. Was it protection? Probably, because that is what my Dad has always done for me. And what better way to leave than in the close hands of his love, my Mom. She and he were the ultimate story of "for better and worse, sickness and health." They are a testimony to what a marriage should be. And he was able to look at her one last time, before he left. This I know was how it should be. The two of them.
My Dad holds such a huge part of my heart.....after all, I am half his. But I rest in the assurance that as my heart feels a bit empty now, it will find comfort in knowing that I will see him again. I am still his daughter. I will always be the daughter of Gerald Allen Self. An honor like no other.
"Weaping may endure for a night, but Joy comes in the morning". Ps 30:5
Jessica that was so touching to read. I have no doubt your dad is looking down on you right now and smiling. The wonderful person you are is a testament to the great man that your dad was and the legacy he has left behind in you and sweet Ben. Thinking about you and your family.
ReplyDeleteLorie
Thank you for sharing your heart. Your words are beautiful and yet so heartbreaking at the same time. I know that only time (and of course the Lord) can ease the pain of your temporary loss. I am so glad Ben was able to have such a close bond with your dad.. such precious moments together. There isn't anything I can say that you don't already know... but I know your dad is so proud of you. I know we don't know each other very well, but what I do see is a beautiful person on the inside and out and I know your dad is looking down so proud of you. His legacy lives on through you... and then through Ben. I'm across the street if you need me. : )
ReplyDeleteI'm keeping you and your family in my prayers! I know your Dad is rejoicing to be home with his Father and watching over you all!
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